Preparing for contact: Types of men

There are many types of men in the world today, and multitudinous tomes have been scribed on the subject. However, it is the specific ONLINE male personality about which we feel it is our duty to warn womankind.

THE MARRIED MAN

If you can go for this setup, enjoy. But if he pursues against your wishes, we suggest this response: "I believe I know your wife."

SPIES UNDER TORTURE

Scorpio was contacted by a singular monkey who did not post a photo and added to this offense by stating under "reasons to know me": You will like my photo.

YOU will like my photo. Note that "YOU" means anyone who is reading this profile. How does he know? Maybe I like fat, balding men with a gut hanging over their pants. And even more notably, maybe I DON'T.

Aside: why does every guy state that he's good looking without posting a photo, and invariably, when we receive the photo, he's at best average, and not "hot" as implied by the profile? Apparently, according to the male species, if they have both eyes, all teeth, and no immediately noticable deformities, they cut a pretty striking figure. Hair is also apparently a major plus. If they have it, they rank themselves with Fabio. If they don't, they rank themselves with Sean Connery. In either case, they expect booty.

THE ZAPMAN

Attraction is wild, immediate and chemical. He hits you like a bolt of lightning. This is not tingly. This blows you out of your body. Just thinking about him runs a current up your spine again and again. He doesn't even have to be near. You can feel so carried away that you're willing to drive two hours to spend five minutes together, or several days of your precious time to read the 225 page novel he penned. And love it.

On an energetic level, you may actually get a something much like a caffeine jolt. While a crush is purely physical, with the Zapman, you want the whole package. It's undeniable, all-consuming and uncontrollable. He's got qualities that you very specifically want. You're blinded to the negatives, but you don't care. You don't have a choice.

He could be THE ONE, or he could be the one to leave you in pieces. Knowing he's not perfect is not enough to scare you off. It's like walking off a cliff, knowing that it's the only way you might learn how to fly. Or you might just go "splat."

I.A.

The "I" stands for Intellectual. We'll let you guess about the "A."

He's brilliant, talented and witty. And he'll tell you so. At length. With footnotes from scholarly sources. He will woo you with his enormous brain and then suffocate you under it. Oh, he'll want you to be smartÑit makes it more fun for him to argue with you and prove himself right. If this sounds fun to you, too, great. Just take note that arguing isn't his past time: it's his life.

Remarks: Talking to an I.A. is like good sex in the missionary position. It's exciting the first time, but then the pattern repeats. He's always on top, you're always getting the air pressed out of you, and your eyes roll toward the ceiling a lot. There's always that point where he's going to lift up your right knee and swivel your hips at that 15% angle. And he'll expect you to be impressed every time. You'll almost feel like you should get up and applaud his performance... except that you're under him at the time, and he seems to have forgotten.

Earmarks: He insists on being right. He insists on being admired. And if he receives any less, he wonders what's wrong with you. Beware: too much time with him, and you might find yourself wondering the same thing. After all, he's great, isn't he?

Dork

Not to be confused with the I.A., he's got a brain the size of Minneapolis, and he can tell you Avogadro's number and work out the history of the Pythagorean Theorem without batting an eye--but he'll also announce the price of the check before paying for you, interrupt a sexy, philosophical jag by considering how it would feel to have four stomachs, and will show up in clothes that will baffle you (the tennis shoes with the Armani suit have nothing to do with artistic expression. If you ask, he'll let you know his high school girlfriend bought them for him and besides, they're better for his bunions).

Remarks: By e-mail, you may be fooled into believing that a Dork is actually an I.A. He's brilliant, amusing, and tosses off genius remarks with ease. The giveaway: he mentions his tai chi belts in the same sentence as Star Trek; he makes passing references to his pet skink; he asks if you'd like to check out the local nature preserve, and he actually has a list of the plants he plans for you to see. As Scorpio once said, "I thought he was an I.A., but...he's just a good, old-fashioned Dork!"

Geek

He doesn't aspire to be Buddha. He aspires to be Yoda. Like the dork, he's super-smart, but unlike him, he's impossible to confuse with the I.A. Frankly, he's confused, himself, and the "genius with ease" tag does not apply. Flair is not his forte.

Remarks: He'll try to relate to you on a geek-boy level, not as a woman. He's probably online because he doesn't know how to approach or relate to women, not because he's too busy to get to bars. He's also online because he's a geek, and computers are geeks' modality of choice. You may want to find out how many other relationships he's had. Do not be surprised if there haven't been many--or any.

Earmarks: His conversations meander in unlikely directions, and you'll never know why. As one geek asked Scorpio, "If somebody were to magically remove the sun, how long would it take for the effect of gravity to stop reaching the planet?" Conversation is entirely unrelated to anything you're interested in, or if you are interested, he'll manage to make it sound boring in the process.

Why he's good: If you enjoy taking the lead and having a smart, reliable man who is absolutely overwhelmed that you are there at all, he could be trained to worship you well. If you want to be the life of his party and simultaneously his trainer, he may be ideal for you. You will likely be treated well, especially if you tell him what he needs to do to treat you well.

Classic geek quote: "I want to kiss you, but I don't know where my mouth goes." Though, the geek being a geek, he might sit there with his buddies and figure out the exact angle to tilt his head so he doesn't bump noses with you.

The progressive geek: He's read The Kama Sutra, though he'd never dare to try it.

The Puppy.

Earmarks: Enthusiasm, energy, eagerness, hard-to-get-rid-of-ness.

E-BOY

Yet he can have all the elements on your checklist and still be nothing. This is a reality check: don't be fooled into thinking that just because he has all the elements, he'll be everything you want him to be--and don't think that there's only one because there's probably one a week or one a month.

Remember in the old days when you'd talk to your girlfriends after a so-so date and say, "But what are the chances that I'd find another...." But now we know, the chances are pretty darned near 100%. There are no filters in a bar or at a party. But now, you can put in a specific order.

You like shoe fetishists who collect salt and pepper shakers and are Buddhist? Take your pick of three. In fact, this one only collects 1950s Japanese shakers.