Hawking your goods: Crack the code

How to read profiles

One of the tough lessons we've learned when reading online profiles is that sometimes our imaginations fill in the blanks. Everybody has their "hot buttons," words that make your heart go aflutter in hopes that what you're seeing in front of you is exactly the kind of person you've been seeking. Think of those keywords as keywords with a search engine: just because they pop up in your results, doesn't mean you've found what you're looking for.

Typical late-night conversation on our end:
Gemini calls Scorpio, excited: "Look at profile "art_geek," he's a cute Jewish artist! He loves to read and listen to live music, and he's local!"
S: "Oh great! Well, what kind of art does he do? Which books does he mention? What kind of music does he like?"
G: "...nevermind."

Remember: this is an ad. However good the ad sounds, you'd test the product before you'd trust it, right?

Physical requirements: is he looking for a person or a picture? Beware of those who boast strict weight requirements. Check to be sure your projected online love isn't looking for an anorexic Amazon (i.e. she can be 7' tall but no more than 125 pounds. A skeleton alone would be too heavy). Listing eye, skin and hair color suggests you're not looking for a person--you're looking for a picture.

Nicknames. Don't ignore themÑthey're valuable hints. Just as you thought about your nickname and e-mail address, if his online name is "Boober" with an email address at "doodieballs.com," that means something.

Get real. Ask yourself... Are you really right for each other? Before you write that first response, think "compatibility." Remember that high school crush who you thought was perfect for you--until you discovered they wrestled alligators, when you only planned to wrestle your way to the front of the cafeteria line? That doesn't need to happen again--especially now that you've got their profile to fill you in on any alligator activity up front. Reptiles are fine as long as you're fine with bumping into one in YOUR bathtub every morning.